Saturday, June 4th, 2005
|
|
8:15 am - Ain't never gonne be rainbow brite
|
I dreamed about Belle last night. What your mind dares to do in sleep but not awake is pretty funky sometimes. I hardly ever think about her during the day. I hardly ever miss her during the day. (Do you think there's someone else out there who says these exact same things? I do.) But give me one dream where we wake up spooning in the morning, and bam. The circuits have been rewired. My heart hurts. I wake up and reach for the wrong person.
Oh shit. She's not the wrong person. May the Powers that Be forgive me for my choice of words. She's the right person because she's the one I've been waking up with, intermittently, for years. She's the mother of my child. She has beautiful red hair and she can make my heart break when she smiles. I'm not sure whether I've ever been really in love with her, but what's it matter? It's just a chemical reaction anyway.
Okay, that's shaken me out of it. I'm never going to wake up with Belle next to me again. In fact, the only time I ever did was before we were sleeping together. Correction: before we slept together. Once, in the backseat of my grandpa's car. And I don't care what anyone says (ahem: Heaven). I didn't take advantage of her. I wouldn't. Not even when I was a stupid 22 year old who had no idea what I had. I wouldn't.
She's gone. So is grandpa and so are those nights curled up on the couch. They're all from another lifetime and they're only allowed access to my consciousness when I dream. Because I'll be damned if I make one more women feel inadequate for not being Belle. There's enough women running around feeling that way already. And it's not right. I won't do it.
Prince says she smells like a rose in wintertime, but he's wrong. She smells like lilacs and like freshly mown grass on a college campus.
current mood:  dirty
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
|
|
10:08 pm - Just a little annoyance
|
Do you know what bugs me? When women don't believe what you say. I know that women are likely to be sneaky and go behind your back and tell little white lies, but I wish they wouldn't project those behaviors onto us. I'm a pretty honest guy. A really honest guy. I can't remember the last time that I lied. So what gives anyone the right?
current mood:  annoyed
current music: The Lost Horizon playing on the TV
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
|
|
9:11 am - Brought to you by the File Extension Organization of America
|
|
|
Monday, September 13th, 2004
|
|
6:59 pm - Bummer
|
I just noticed that I only ever use the sad looking boxes for the mood icons. I don't even know what the other ones look like. I think I'm a pretty happy guy. Really.
current mood:  disappointed
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, August 21st, 2004
|
|
10:06 am - It's been a long time
|
I called Belle instead.
I've been thinking about calling her since the day he died. My first instinct was to call Myra Ellen, but I was scared to bother her with it. Then I immediately thought of Belle. Since then, I've been walking around in this empty house remembering when we lived together in this basement. She was really friendly back then. At least, to me and Gramps she was. We used to curl up on the couch and watch X-Files in the dark.
I thought she might want to know.
I don't think compassionate is the word that comes to mind when people think about Belle. But I can't imagine anyone being more compassionate on the phone than she was when I called her. I didn't even know what to expect. It's been ages since we've talked. It's been ages since anything. I have trouble remembering what she was like except for in that year when we were together, and she laughed and said, "Oh Matt," when I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her neck.
I don't remember the break up. Isn't that odd?
I don't remember compassion. But I guess I'm not surprised that she has it in her.
She's coming. She's flying up. The wake is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. She wants to be here in time for it. I told her not to worry about a hotel. We can sleep in Gramps' basement.
I'm going to be calling it that forever, even though it's mine, now. I'm going to ask Belle to stay while we go through the will. I think she can be compassionate and think clearly at the same time. I'm having a lot of trouble being sad and thinking clearly at the same time.
current mood: depressed
|
|
(11 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
|
|
10:29 am - All alone in the Universe
|
|
|
Monday, August 16th, 2004
|
|
10:21 pm - All day long, I call her name
|
Myra Ellen is gone.
It's just me and Gramps again.
I miss her.
Just when you think it's about time you get married, you're helping her pack boxes.
current mood: sad
current music: Luna's Gone - Beryl Chelsea
|
|
(13 comments | comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
matt_thew's journal
excited